


A Different Kind of Business, Heh Heh Heh

by WhydYouMakeHotNoodlesOnSuchAHotDay



Category: The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms, The Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of Time
Genre: Bisexual Link (Legend of Zelda), Comedy, Dark Comedy, Prostitution, basically Zelda meets Moral Orel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-17
Updated: 2020-10-17
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:33:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27054979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhydYouMakeHotNoodlesOnSuchAHotDay/pseuds/WhydYouMakeHotNoodlesOnSuchAHotDay
Summary: Following a chat with the Poe Collector, Link enters a "different kind of business" and attempts to become a 16-year-old prostitute, creeping out the denizens of Hyrule in the process.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 4





	A Different Kind of Business, Heh Heh Heh

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: This is a dark comedy about a 16-year-old Link attempting to become a prostitute. 
> 
> Also, there's not much actual sex, just a weird mix of cringe comedy and psychological struggles.
> 
> Also, Navi's on vacation, time passes in Kakariko village, and Link needs to sleep.

Link entered the Ghost Shop in search of clay pots to smash so that he might get enough Rupees for a bigger bomb bag. He looked around and counted.

 _Not bad,_ thought Link, as he proceeded to smash every container he could find.

On the other side of the shop sat the Poe Collector, silent, as several Poes spirited back and forth in their little wooden crib above him.

Once Link had finished running back and forth smashing things, he stood for a second, then turned awkwardly toward the Poe Collector. "Uh, hi. I was just—"

"Oh, it's alright," smiled the Poe Collector, or at least it sounded like he was smiling; his face was always shrouded in darkness. "The chaos and violence bring my Poes great _pleasure_."

"Um, I'm sorry about that," mumbled Link.

The Poes shivered and ran back and forth.

The Poe Collector banged on their crib with his staff. "Oh, look what you made them do," he said. "Do not apologize in here. They _hate_ that."

"Oh, um, sure," said Link. He walked around, taking a good look at everything, especially the unnatural fluorescent glow of the Poes, but eventually concluded that he shouldn't be spending extra money right now. "Sorry, just browsing."

The Poes shrieked and flew around some more.

The Poe Collector again banged on their crib with his stick. "Stop that!" He turned back to Link and shrugged. "For something made of _concentrated_ _hatred_ , Poes can be pretty sensitive."

Link stepped closer. "Can I touch them?"

The Poe Collector chuckled. "May I just say, you're a brave and handsome young man."

Link raised his eyebrows. "Uh, than—"

"Do _not_ compliment. In fact, keep your thoughts _dark_. Think of _fear_. Think of _malice_. Think of the sins that will bring you great _regret_."

Link found he had no problem contemplating sinning.

"That's right," smiled(?) the Poe Collector. "Keep thinking those thoughts. Flatter yourself. Oh, if I looked as good as you, I could run a _different kind of business_ , heh heh heh."

Link was bewildered, but his mind raced with thoughts.

The Poe Collector erupted with laughter. "Ha ha ha! Oh, the joys of reading someone's mind."

"What?!?" said Link.

"Oh, but let me answer the question you were thinking about. Under certain circumstances, I might _indeed_ consider managing that kind of business... but not with an employee who is just _sixteen_! Even the Poes would frown upon that."

Link was stunned. "Uh..."

"Now, don't be mistaken. I am strictly _amoral_. But managing the prostitution of a minor would be very... bad for business."

Link paused. "Uh..."

"Oh, Link, I've learned _so much_ about you! And I know that, even after you've taken leave of this establishment, the thoughts that now fill your head will not easily vanish."

* * *

Link stepped outside the Ghost Shop. He blinked as his eyes adjusted to the light.

 _Yikes_ , thought Link.

* * *

That night, Link lay in a bed in a hostel in Kakariko village.

 _There's no way that would work,_ thought Link.

* * *

The next morning, Link was riding Epona in Hyrule Field. He chuckled.

 _That's insane,_ thought Link. _Me, a gigolo?_

* * *

That aftenoon, Link was gathering Cuccos to return to the Cucco Lady's pen.

 _Bet *I* could make it work,_ thought Link. _I wonder how much I'd charge?_

Link ran back to the pen and threw the last Cucco inside.

The Cucco lady smiled and clasped her hand. "Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you," she said. "Oh, I have something I want to give you." She ran inside her house.

Link hoped that, whatever her gift was, it would greatly cut the time he'd have to scrounge for Rupees before he'd have enough for a bigger bomb bag.

The Cucco lady exited her house and walked up to Link. "Link, I am so thankful for your generosity and your hard work, and I want you to have... this."

She held out an empty bottle.

"Uh... thanks, ma'am," said Link as he took it.

She smiled at him.

 _Wait... she might be a potential client,_ thought Link. _I mean, women do like me. Maybe I should give it a try._

"Um, so..." said Link, smiling shyly. "You know, I do have some, um, _other_ services I could offer."

The Cucco Lady was confused. "What... kind of services?"

Link tried and failed to lean back sexily against her fence. "Um, well, in exchange for money, I would do, uh..."

The Cucco Lady waited for an answer.

"...you know, uh, marital relations?"

She stared at him. Then her eyes bugged open. Then she drew back her arm.

"Uh, well what I meant was—"

She slapped him.

She grabbed him to keep him from falling back over the fence and onto her Cuccos.

Then she slapped him again.

"I am not that kind of woman, you... brat!"

She turned and walked away from him.

Link rubbed his face. "Look, I'm sorry. I... I..."

The Cucco Lady turned back. "'I' what?"

"I... I... It was the Poe Collector! You know the Ghost Shop in the market near the castle? The owner of that shop suggested that I, you know, give this a try."

She glared at him, closed her eyes and shook her head, then turned back and entered her house.

* * *

Several hours later, Link was just about to exit Kakariko Village when he saw the Poe Collector at the entrance. Link abruptly turned back toward the village.

"Link! Link!" growled the purple-hooded demon salesman.

 _Oh, geez,_ thought Link. He sighed and turned back toward the Poe Collector.

The Poe Collector stopped in front of Link, gesturing aggressively while holding his staff. "Link, we need to clarify some _misunderstandings_ that you seem to have!"

Link nodded without expression.

"Just an hour ago, I received a very _unhappy_ visitor to my shop. As you might imagine, the Poes were most _pleased_ , but alas! Their pleasure does not mitigate the difficulties in dealing with a difficult visitor, as I'm sure you can imagine."

Link nodded and swallowed.

The Poe Collector continued. "This visitor was under the impression that _I_ was the one who recommended your... recent business venture. This was not true, and I assured her of this." The Poe Collector jabbed his staff on the ground and raise his voice. " _You_ are aware of this fact... aren't you?!?"

Link was shaken by the anger of the Poe Collector. He stood up straight and cleared his throat. "Uh, no. I mean, yes, I mean, uh... maybe I got confused?"

The Poe Collector jabbed a finger at Link. "Well, don't get confused again!"

* * *

That night, Link lay in a bed in the Kakariko hostel, face-down, unable to get to sleep.

 _That Poe Collector must've done a number on me,_ thought Link. _Why'd he remind me that there's this business where I can..._ Link squeezed his pillow with his fist. _There's got to be a way I can make this work. Maybe I just need to be more realistic about my clientele._

Link turned onto his back. He looked up at the ceiling and wondered what kind of personal exploration he could get away with doing while sharing a room with a couple of other guests in the hostel.

* * *

Next morning, Link ate breakfast, then wandered around Kakariko village when he saw Jiro the carpenter prancing around.

 _He isn't really my type,_ thought Link.

He looked over Jiro's mustachioed face and sweaty, muscley chest.

 _Or maybe he is._ Link smiled and chuckled. _I have so many types, I guess it's hard to keep track._

Link chuckled at his witty thoughts as he climbed up the steps to Jiro's work area. He walked up to Jiro, who was handling a long piece of two-by-four on a work bench. "Uh, hey," murmured Link.

Jiro put down the wood and pranced past Link and down the stairs.

 _Guess I'll have to wait until he loops back here,_ thought Link.

A short time later, Jiro returned and inspected the two-by-four that laid across his bench. He made some pencil marks.

Link cleared his throat and spoke a little bit louder. "Uh, hey."

Jiro looked up and smiled. "Oh, hey, kid! I think I've seen you before."

"Uh, yeah," said Link. "When I was nine, I think." _Oh God, this is going to make things *so* much more awkward,_ thought Link.

Jiro smiled. "That's right." Jiro paused. "You feeling okay? You look a little pale."

"Oh, I didn't get much sleep last night. Just one of those days."

"I hear ya. So, what brings you here?"

"Um, well, first, I'm trying to raise enough money to get some supplies for some missions I need to do."

"Well, I'm sure there are plenty of people with jobs that need to be done. Have you asked the Cucco lady?"

"Um, I'll think about it." Link took a long look at Jiro's bare chest, then started to sexily lean back against the two-by-four. "You know, you seem pretty... hot and sweaty right n—!"

Link yelped as the two-by-four swung back, pivoting on the work bench. Jiro quickly clamped down on it, and Link regained his balance.

"Uh, sorry."

Jiro laughed. "It's okay, kid. Just try to be more careful."

"Uh, yeah."

Jiro looked back down at the two-by-four on the work bench, and Link tried again to probe Jiro's desires. He put a hand on the corner of the work bench.

"So..." said Link. At a loss for words to say, he scratched his stomach, then lifted his shirt and rubbed his abs.

Jiro glanced at Link, but returned focus to his work.

Link continued. "I guess people are always... looking for something, aren't they. So... you lookin'?" Link brought his hand down to his crotch and tugged it.

Jiro raised his eyebrows, brought his head up from his work, and turned toward Link. "Look, I don't know what you've heard, but that's _not_ why we're going to visit Gerudo Valley. We're carpenters. We're just looking for work. Okay?" Jiro returned to his work.

Link chuckled nervously. "Relax, I'm just teasing." Link stretched out his arms. _This is taking too long, _thought Link. _But I've come too far to turn back now.___ "So, um, I do have this idea for work that I can do for people."

"Oh, yeah?" said Jiro, not looking up.

"Um, yeah. I guess you could call it the 'oldest profession'."

"Masonry?"

"Uh, no." Link swallowed. This was getting way too difficult. His voice started shaking. "I, uh, think I could make a lot of money from people."

Jiro very slowly put down his pencil and turned to Link.

"I'll do anything you want for 50 Rupees."

Jiro closed his eyes and shook his head. "Who put you up to this?"

"Uh, no one."

"Kid, I wasn't born yesterday. No fourteen-year-old—"

"I'm sixteen."

"—or sixteen-year-old or whatever just starts _prostituting_ themselves. Who put you up to it? Who's your pimp?"

Link's throat felt tight. He shook his head. "No one, I swear. Look, it's a funny story. I was in the Ghost Shop in the market by the castle, and..." Link froze. There was no way he could explain the truth convincingly.

"'And...'?" said Jiro.

Link swallowed and shrugged. "Well, the Poe Collector, the owner of the Ghost Shop, happened to mention it and—"

"I always knew he was up to no good," grumbled Jiro. "I'm going to give him a piece of my mind. Kid—"

"My name's Link."

"Link, you stay here, and I'll make sure you don't have to beg, or do anything worse, for money."

"Look, I'm fine—"

"Stay here," said Jiro. He ran down the stairs and toward the village entrance.

Link rubbed his forehead. _Ah, crap_ , he thought.

* * *

That afternoon, Link decided to stop at the Ghost Shop and talk to the Poe Collector with the hope that defusing the situation directly would make things less painful.

Link entered the shop.

No one was there except the Poes, quietly hovering in their crib.

Link stepped inside, peaking around every corner.

"LIINNK!!!"

"Ahh!" yelled Link, who fell to the floor. The Poes squealed with joy.

Link looked toward the Ghost Shop's entrance, and saw the Poe Collector standing there, and pounding his staff to the floor.

"Link! Do you realize how much damage you have done to the _reputation_ of my business?"

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" said Link as he sat up.

The Poes howled and pulsated.

"You're hurting them!" said the Poe Collector. "Stop apologizing!"

"I'm sorry!"

"Stop!"

"Look, you can hit me if you want! I don't want to cause any more trouble."

The Poe Collector chuckled slowly as he walked around Link, who was sitting on the floor with his knees curled up. "Heh heh heh. Link, that's not the way we operate."

Link stood up. "So you won't punish me?"

"I make no promises." The Poe Collector walked under the Poes and sat down. "But it is, _indeed_ , difficult to devise a punishment worse than that you are already inflicting upon yourself."

Link said nothing, meditating on the words of the Poe Collector.

Suddenly, the door opened. A man walked into the store, nodded toward Link, then walked up to the Poe Collector. "Hi, I'm looking for something for my wife."

Link decided that now was a good time to leave.

* * *

In the middle of the night, Link woke up in his Kakariko hostel bed. (He had reassured Jiro repeatedly that he wasn't _that_ hard up for cash or a place to stay.)

 _Damn it_ , thought Link. _Just me and my thoughts._

He closed his eyes and tried to drift to sleep. He tried over and over again for an hour. 

_How do I keep failing at the oldest profession?_ thought Link. _There's got to be at least one person in Hyrule willing to pay for it._

He giggled. _Maybe that person is me._

Then his eyes bugged open. _There's no way that that would work... right?_

Link lay still.

_If I leave now, I might make it to Lake Hylia by sunset. It's worth a shot._

* * *

Link made it to Lake Hylia, then used the iron boots to get down to the Water Temple, which he had never managed to complete. But he had tried enough times that he knew the path he needed to take by heart, and several hours later, he entered an expanse, seemingly open to the outside, with ankle-deep water throughout except in the middle where there was an island with a dead tree. 

Link ran toward the center, and then past it. He turned back.

Link smiled. Armed though he was, he walked calmly back toward the tree as he approached his shadow self, Dark Link.

Dark Link remained in an attack posture, but did nothing.

Link put down his sword, shield, and other supplies, and walked right up to Dark Link. He stared at his shadowy reflection.

 _Blank expression_ , thought Link. _Handsome, but blank. But I guess my expression's blank as well. I don't want to accidentally trigger a negative reaction, so maybe I need to make my actions as unambiguous as possible._

Link took off his hat, blue tunic, and boots, putting them on the island. He stood in his undershorts. 

_Can't quite_ see, thought Link, _but he still looks blank. Maybe I need to be clearer._

Link took off his shorts and stood completely naked. Dark Link took a few steps back.

 _Is he afraid?_ thought Link. _Am I? What am I doing again?_

Link tried to suppressed his shivering as he started walking toward Dark Link. "It's... it's okay. I'm just you, I guess, and..." Link chuckled. "I guess it's kind of a funny story."

Dark Link kept his distance.

Link kept walking toward him. "You want this," said Link, gesturing to his body. "Admit it."

Dark Link swung his sword at Link.

Link jumped back and brought both of his arms up in a calm-down gesture. "Hold on, I—"

Dark Link swung again, and sliced Link's forearm.

"Shit!" said Link. He gripped the wound.

Dark Link started chasing Link.

Link ran toward the island where his stuff was. _Crap, I don't have time to put everything back on_ , he thought. _I can just take one thing._ He took the bomb bag and ran away from Dark Link. He fumbled with the supplies, pinning the bomb bag under one arm while trying to light a bomb with his hands. Finally, he managed to throw the bomb in Dark Link's direction, though not as far as he would've like to since his arm was weakened from being cut. Miraculously, the bomb exploded right on target, and Dark Link winced and fell through the floor. 

Link breathed a sigh of relief.

Then he noticed Dark Link was now right behind him.

Link again ran away, managing to maintain his distance from Dark Link, with Link's lighter load canceled out by the awkward way he was carrying the bomb bag. Link lit bomb after bomb and threw them at Dark Link. Most missed, but a few hit.

His bomb bag was getting lighter. _Crap, I'm almost out,_ thought Link. _Should've upgraded. Well, desperate times call for desperate measures._

Link lit all of the remaining bombs, and poured them out so they rolled toward Dark Link. The water defused them all. 

_Why did I think that would work?_ thought Link. He sighed and ran toward the island with his clothes and supplies, Dark Link still chasing him. He grabbed the Megaton Hammer. He swung it toward Dark Link. 

Dark Link backed away. He watched Link intently. Very intently.

 _I *do* have a thing for men with hammers, don't I,_ thought Link. He twirled the Megaton hammer over his head and to his left and right sides. 

Then Link stopped. He waited.

Dark Link put down his sword and continued watching.

Link started again, swinging the hammer, flexing his body while thrusting the hammer to each side, rubbing up against the hammer, marching with the hammer, etc. Then he stopped.

Dark Link sat down cross-legged in the water and watched.

Link resumed and continued for several more minutes, integrating other items into his act as well. Then he carried everything, including the hammer, over to the entrance. Once the door closed behind him, he put everything back on and left.

* * *

Following an exhausted nighttime ride across Hyrule Field, Link stumbled back into the hostel in Kakariko village and took a brief nap in his clothes before he was awakened by Cuccos at dawn. 

"Ermmghdfh," he grumbled.

* * *

After failing to return to sleep, Link ate breakfast, then went to Granny's Potion Shop, running past the man at the front desk into the more eccentric establishment in the back. He saw Granny there, petting her little striped cat.

She slowly turned her attention to Link, her early-morning glare unwavering. 

"Uh, hi," said Link. "So—"

"You've been to Lake Hylia, haven't you?" she said.

"How did you—"

"I can _smell_ you." She opened her eyes wide, visually inspecting him. Then she returned her attention to her cat.

"Um, okay. So, uh, I was wondering if you had anything—"

"We're all out of Blue Potions."

"That's okay. I'm actually looking for something that would, you know, make you forget stuff?"

Granny slowly moved her gaze back toward Link. "What are you trying to forget?"

Link squeezed his eyes closed out of frustration. He sighed. "I... Alright, you want the whole truth? I've been trying, and failing, to become a prostitute so I can make some money. It hasn't worked out very well, and there's plenty I'd like to forget."

Granny just stared blankly at him. "We have alcohol."

Link shrugged. "Alright."

"How old are you?"

"Sixteen."

"We don't sell alcohol to sixteen-year-olds." Her lips then curled into a grin. "Well, not normally. But you did mention that there's something of yours you've been trying to sell..."

Link's eyes bulged wide open. "Lady, I'm retired."

"Sixteen is a little young to be retired, heh heh heh." 

Link gasped, and walked out of the back area of the shop without saying another word.

* * *

Link passed through the doorway. He took a breath and gathered his thoughts next to the front desk of the Potion Shop. 

He was so close to success, wasn't he. 

And a client's a client.

She was probably rich.

And his imagination of the potential activities that he and Granny could engage in went into overdrive.

He paused.

He pursed his lips.

He turned around and—

"Don't even think about it," said the man at the front desk.

Link froze. "That's... probably for the best."

The man nodded, and Link left the shop.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading my ascended shitpost of a story.


End file.
